UK Snapshots

Does What it Says on the Tin

2007-10-04T17:42:00.001-07:00

2007 Chiswick Children's Fun Fair Attraction

Warwick

2007-10-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

Particularly loud conversation snippet; West London lunch spot:

Guy 1: "...It was supposed to be an advert with that little chap - the man who portrayed the midget in "Willow."

Guy 2: "What do you mean?"

Guy 1: "What do you mean, what do I mean?"

Guy 2: "He 'portrayed' a midget? You mean he's not actually a midget?"

Guy 1: "Well, fuck me, I guess he is."

Guy 2: "Either way I don't know the film."

Guy 1: "It's got Joanne Whaley in it, and Val Kilmer. They met making that film and got married. She was an incredible babe then."

Guy 2: "Officially?"

Guy 1: "What do you mean, 'officially'?"

Guy 2: "Did they call her a babe in magazines, and things like that?"

Guy 1: "I'm sure they did, but what are you getting at?"

Guy 2: "I'm not sure."

Large Novelty "Prawn Mayonnaise" Sandwich

2007-10-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

This truly is the stuff of nightmares.

R.I.P.

2007-10-04T17:26:00.001-07:00

Not closed for renovations... not moving to a new location...
just... closed.

They Are All Reasons to Me

2007-09-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

Cleaning Up the Neighbourhood

2007-09-04T14:37:00.001-07:00

Make it a Blockbuster Night

2007-09-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

Should've Switched to Half Pints, Mate

2007-09-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

Sold Out

2007-09-04T14:28:00.001-07:00

"Excuse me. Do you have any sort of leggings, like with designs on them? This is for a formal affair, though, so nothing casual."

"I'm so sorry - we sold our last pair a half hour ago."

Not To Be Confused With "D'oh!"

2007-09-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

Oh Mandy

2007-07-21T07:28:00.001-07:00

I Miss You So Much, American Bacon

2007-07-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it Goes Without Saying, But...

2007-05-29T16:20:00.001-07:00

(You can click on any of the photos to enlarge them, if the small text is unreadable)

Clubbing

2007-05-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

Halloween in May

2007-05-29T16:13:00.001-07:00

Found in the street, corner of Overstone Road and Glenthorne Road, W6, at 7:30am.

Beware of Flying Mobile Phones

2007-05-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

Hand in Glove?

2007-03-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the month (plus) of silence.
---------------
Saturday afternoon @ Pret a Manger, a semi-fast food sandwich chain. Two middle aged women are talking at each other while they eat sandwiches from triangular cardboard boxes. Suddenly, one of them stops chewing-and-talking and appears to zone out. She's staring at something on the floor. After a long pause, she speaks up.

"Louisa... has that rubber glove been on the floor this whole time?"

Her friend turns and squints at the floor.

"Oh, my, yes... look at that."

After a beat, they resume both their conversation and their lunch.

A Catch Up at the Coffee Shop

2007-02-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Woman #1: "So, what did you get up to on Valentine's Day?"

Woman #2: "To tell you the truth, I couldn't get up to too much because of my stepson being down."

Woman #1: "Simple?"

Woman #2: "What do you mean?"

Woman #1: "Retarded?"

Woman #2: "No, he was in town from school, in Leeds."

Woman #1: "I misunderstood."

(several minutes of silence)

Wheel in the Store Keep on Turning

2007-02-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

Waterstone's Books (a Barnes & Noble Equivalent); Piccadilly Circus, lower level.

Note that literally every single person who walked by this corner of the store over a 2 minute period (a) stopped suddenly, (b) stared briefly in rapt confusion, (c) touched the wheel, and (d) moved on when nothing seemed to happen.

Bobbies: The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

2007-01-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

Hyde Park is... Hot for Teacher

2007-01-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

(NB: Apologies for both the preposterously juvenile nature of the post and the blurry pic, but I couldn't resist. Click to enlarge the photo, to better read the text)

If the Electricty Doesn't Get'cha, the Spiders Will (*NSFB)

2007-01-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

(*Not Safe for Blicero)

Morning Zoo

2007-01-21T02:14:00.000-08:00

Paraphrased Radio Snippet, playing over the office staff shuttle bus; 8:30 a.m. :

"...before the last break, of course, we told you about 'Scuba-Doo,' the dog who swam the length of the Thames; now, we've got another amazing story. Seems there's a bloke who managed to lose TEN STONE in just over a month on a backpacking trip in Australia. He says his trick was all the walking, and the fact that he only ate vegetables for the whole month. Well, I've got to hope he was trekking alone. Can you imagine being stuck in a tent with a geezer who's been eating only veg for that long? Guy must have smelled of shit. Just stank of farts and shit. Right - before the break, we've got one of the true modern classics, from a Canadian fella named Bryan Adams. "You Know it's True, Everything I Do, I Do it for You..." (music swells).

(*Ed. Note: Ten Stone = 140 lbs.)

Concessions

2007-01-14T02:57:00.000-08:00

At an 8:15 "late show" of 'The Black Dahlia' at the Cineworld Hammersmith, a young mother stands in line with three boys of about 6 years, buying snacks for the film (about the disembowling of a bisexual aspiring starlet). She asks the kids what they want to order, and they all begin chanting, loudly, "Munch Box! Munch Box! Munch Box!" When it's finally her turn, she orders three "Munch Boxes" for the kids, which is a Cineworld theater-chain exclusive containing sweet popcorn, a small soda, and a balloon.

The More Things Change

2006-12-22T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Boulevard, 7 a.m., 2003

--------------------------------------------

Piccadilly Circus, 12 Midnight, 2006

Homemade Waters

2006-12-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

A middle aged couple walks along the Askew Road at the border of Hammersmith and Shephard's Bush and stops outside of a small cafe bearing a handwritten sign saying "Caribbean Restaurant." There is a small easel-style chalkboard on the sidewalk in front of the entrance to the place advertising only "homemade waters." "This is new," the woman says. The man considers the signage for a moment and asks his wife if she knows what Caribbean food is. "It's a mix of Chinese and Mexican," she answers, "only with more limes, I think." After considering this, the man suggests they give it a try and the couple steps inside for dinner.

Commute (Dark Meat)

2006-12-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Overhead view of the 2 available seats on the packed H91 rush hour bus from Hounslow to Hammersmith.

A Room for the Night, Please

2006-12-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Outside the customs waiting area at Heathrow International Airport, a middle aged man in a smart suit stands next to an attractive 20something woman. Both sip coffee.

Woman: "Are you waiting for someone on the New York flight?"
Man: "Yep."

They chat some more about the fact that a taxicab trip from the airport into Central London can cost up to 100 pounds. They are both American.

Woman: "So what do you do?"
Man: "I am starting a business called 'The Chocolate Hotel.' It's exactly what it sounds like."
(woman nods)
Man: "How about you?"
Woman: "I work for Halliburton."

The Dollar to the Pound

2006-12-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

"Okay, let's see... with the dollar currently at $1.97 per pound, this comes out to exactly 88 pounds, 74 pence. Uh, listen - while I have you here... what would you say if I told you that you could turn that unseemly appendage between your legs into a fully-functional vagina?"

Baked Goods

2006-11-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

Refreshment

2006-11-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

In the lobby of the Gateshead Hilton hotel in Northern England, a middle-aged couple shuffle out of the elevator and head towards the front desk, dragging luggage behind them. As the woman begins the process of checking out, the man wanders over to a large, decorative, waterfall-style fountain in the center of the room. He peers quizzically into the water, then takes an empty plastic Evian bottle from the pocket of his raincoat and proceeds to dunk it into the bottom of the fountain, filling it. He holds the now full bottle of water up and briefly scrutinizes it, before tiliting it back and drinking half the bottle in one big chug. He smacks his lips, satisfied, then loudly calls across the lobby: "Don't turn in the key, darling - I've forgotten my Harley Davidson book in the toilet."

k?

2006-11-26T16:15:00.000-08:00

Tesco Frozen Foods Section

2006-11-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

Post-Election Day Special

2006-11-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

In the center of Eldon Square, in the city of Newcastle Upon Tyne, a 30something man in a baggy tracksuit is singing a series of modified pop songs by Outkast and the Black Eyed Peas - with new Christian-themed lyrics - into a portable karaoke machine as lunchtime office workers stroll by. As the man belts out 'I'm Bringing Jesus Back" to the tune of Justin Timberlake's 'Sexy Back', a pale, skinny 20something man clutching a steaming kebab walks up, wearing a t-shirt with the word 'Dumbfuckistan' printed across a drawing of the United States on the front, and stops to observe. As the young man begins to wolf down his kebab, he nods his head in time with the beat.

Welcome Wagon

2006-11-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

Guy Fawkes Day

2006-11-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

At a Ravenscourt Park fireworks display commemorating the November 1605 capture and execution of Guy Fawkes for attempting to blow up Parliament, a booming voice with a thick South London accent crackles over the P.A., interrupting the festivities.

"Can I have your attention, please... before we set off the fireworks, I have a quick announcement. I have a little boy named Simon here in the DJ booth with me. He's lost his Auntie. Simon is wearing... (pause) ...Simon is wearing grey track pants and a red shirt with a picture of Jesus Christ on it. If you are Simon's Auntie, please come and collect him at the DJ booth. Thank you."

The P.A. shuts off and Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart" begins to blast across the park.